Catching Up

It has been over a year since I have written in my blog and I have come to realize, no, come to terms with the fact that I am really good at starting things and not so good at finishing things.

This last year has been a doozie for me.  I have gone through some very low lows and well… that’s about it in terms of emotional fluctuations.  Since my last blog post I have had a total of two emotional break downs.  One of which resulted in me moving in with my boyfriend at that time.  The second one (about two weeks ago) involved me getting a roommate.  Another thing I have learned about myself: as much as I am independent in my own mind, I really do need help … not only that, but as much as I like my space, I do much better mentally and emotionally when I do not live alone.

I am just going to come out and say these things, because I believe that my best writing is based on raw honesty.  I cannot write about how I have been feeling unless whoever reads what I write is aware of what I have experienced. So here is a bit of a background that leads up to where I am now as a mid twenties, unmarried adult female with 2 cats and a new roommate.  For the purpose of saving space I will not use point form, but rather write short sentences one after another that may or may not all be relevant to each other.

I am a Christian.  I have a mother and a father who are now divorced.  I have a brother.  I have two cats.  I love to paint.  I love to sing.  There was a lot of fighting in my home growing up.  I was abused when I was a teenager (not by a family member.)  I have always done very well academically without much effort.  I have an excellent memory.  I have had an eating disorder for a long time but I battled through it about a year ago (approximately when I stopped writing blog posts) and it is often a daily struggle to maintain my eating habits and to avoid back sliding.  I am a wheat free vegan.  I love to cook.  I love to bake. 

Here is a little bit more…

I used to work as a Level III First Aid Attendant but I got laid off from my job this summer because of something that happened TO me there (not sure if I am legally allowed to go into detail, so I will not) and the “drama” of it all was too much for my boss of nearly 3 years, so I was no longer allowed to work there.  I had to find a new job.  I prayed and then found a job on Craigslist.  I now work in a group home with adults who have special needs.  Although this has been a major transition in my life, this new job is very rewarding.

******

A few weeks ago, a very good friend of mine passed away.  He had been in and out of the hospital for the past year and I quite expected him to bounce back again, but he did not.  He was older than me and was more of a father figure than anything.  When I was going through something, he was always there with not just kind words, but wise, insightful words.  Now that he is gone, I hold onto the words he has given me, but I still miss his presence in my life.

******

The boyfriend that I was with last year was really quite good to me.  We ended up breaking up because I just had so much going on in my head and in my heart (and in my life with what happened at work and then not having a job) that I was not able to handle myself properly.  I was bringing him down and I felt like a major burden to him.  Ironically, this boyfriend is the very person who convinced me that I needed to go to therapy.  I have now been attending group therapy every week since April.  I have learned a lot about myself, including the fact that I AM worth the time.  No matter how hurt I am, no matter how damaged I am, I am still worthy of love.  The ironic part is that this therapy that my ex convinced me to attend is the very therapy that helped me come to the realization that I was not the only reason why our relationship failed.  It was both of us.  When it all comes down to it, the timing sucked and we may just not be right for each other.  That still does not negate the fact that I was made to feel like a burden, or the fact that I made him feel so burdened.

Alright, enough of the sob stories!

I am now settling into my job, I have a new roommate and I am integrating myself into the “social scene” at my church.  Yes, I realize how cheesy that sounds.  In all honesty though, these people, as much as I have not gotten too close with all of them yet, they are what has held me together on my darkest days.  God’s people are a serious blessing in disguise.  I believe that God created us in His own image.  I also believe that for those who believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit indwells them.  Now, if I think about it, I come to the conclusion that ALL people in this world have a little piece of the image of God in them.  The wholeness of humanity is the best representation of the essence of God (and yet it still barely scratches the surface.) 

Furthermore, I believe that the Holy Spirit begins working in each person on an individual level the moment that that one’s salvation is realized.  This work consists of stripping back the layers and layers of filth and darkness (that sounds harsh, I know) that have built up.  Imagine, if you will, that the essence of God in each of us is like a little round light bulb.  This light bulb is plugged in and when we are born, it is completely sincere, not having been jaded or defiled in the slightest.  As we go through life in this world, we face different trials.  We get hurt so we put up walls.  We get hurt so we hold onto bitterness.  We get hurt so we live in fear.  We get hurt so we become resentful and unforgiving.  We get hurt so we become jealous and spiteful. 

Imagine now that each time you have been hurt in your life you are given one tiny, nearly invisible thread.  This thread is yours now and you can do with it as you will.  You may choose to throw it away because it is tiny and useless, or you may choose to hold onto it because it is tiny and harmless.  What bad could it possibly do?  It’s basically just lint, right?  Here is the thing though, if you choose to hold onto that tiny little piece of thread, it blocks out a tiny little bit of your light.  The more of these threads you accumulate the more light is blocked out.  Eventually that lights is nearly indiscernible beneath what is now just a web of hurt and pain. 

This is where the Holy Spirit comes into play.  We, as Christians all have this spirit in us, but we have also been given free will.  It is up to us to allow the Spirit to have free reign in our hearts and lives.  The only thing it will do is take away the layers.  With each chip of the chisel at the hard, crusted on blackness, only good can come.  More and more light is exposed.  The tricky part is that the longer we wait to have it removed, the more engrained it will have become in our hearts.  It is like a tumour.  It takes up residence and builds veins that suck up all the nutrients.  It weaves itself into the existing tissue, making the removal process arduous and often emotionally painful.  The question then is, is the risk of pain worth the benefit of the pure light that will be exposed?  As one who is currently going through the painful removal process, my answer is simply yes.

That is all for now.  I have much more on my mind, but I will write it down now and post it later in a context that will actually make sense.

Thanks for “listening.”