Breaking the Cycle

Well, I have been awake for the majority of the last 48 hours.  I have been working a lot and have not had much time for sleep.  I have, however, had time to think, even though my ability to form clear thoughts becomes increasingly dismal the more sleep deprived I become.  I must break this cycle.  I must replace the restlessness of my body and mind with a solid night of uninterrupted sleep. 

This is exactly what I have been thinking about in the last day or so: breaking the cycle. Here are some example of the “cycles” to which I am referring:

Parents treating their kids negatively or withholding love because that is how their parents were with them; the social anxiety and other symptoms that I have because of my abuse; the sinful ways in which we choose to live because we are fallen people.

These are all examples of negative outcomes due to various predispositions.  Psychologically speaking, we would be considered to be predisposed to certain things due to experiences of our past. We all have a built in predisposition to sin. Does that mean we should use that as an excuse to make no effort to avoid sin? No. My brother and I were born into a family without a lot of money. Does that mean that we should use that as an excuse for a lack of success? Not at all. I was abused as a teenager. Does this mean that I should use this as an excuse to be depressed and down on myself and even live my life as a promiscuous, damaged woman? Of course not. My mom was not told "I love you" often, if ever by her own mother. Does this mean that she should use that as an excuse to not express her love and emotions about me and my brother? No. My Dad's father was a rather harsh man. Does this mean that my Dad has an excuse to be harsh with me and my brother, or to accidentally hurt my feelings because he didn't stop to think about how his words could hurt me? Again, no.

I know these things are not easy things to talk about, but that is kind of my point. Sure these past experiences may be valid explanations for current behavioural patterns, but they do NOT in any way excuse them.  The only way to stop these things is to stop making excuses for ourselves and stand up for what we believe to be right and true. I am not saying these things to call down judgment in anyone. Notice how I myself have made excuses for my own behaviour. I am not just "pointing the finger" at other people and declaring myself righteous - not in the slightest. It is more that I am seeing the error of my ways and I would seek to call others to examine themselves also. The only way to make a change in these areas is to break the cycle. If I don't want to be lonely anymore because of my social anxiety, I need to deal with my issues and put myself out there. If my parents can admit that they were negatively impacted by how their own parents treated them, then maybe they should seek to break that cycle and try new things.

Breaking a cycle often requires a lot of challenge. We have to continuously step outside of our comfort zone until the area outside our comfort zone - the goal area - becomes the norm, becomes our new comfort zone. I will have you know, I am not just talking the talk, here.  Beyond just my social anxiety, I used to have a major phobia of guns.  I still do not like guns, or most weapons in general, to be honest, but I am no longer terrified of them.  When I was being abused, my abuser once held a gun to my head.  This is a perfect excuse to never use a gun, and to always be terrified of guns for the rest of my life.  I lived by this for years, but then I decided that rather than living in fear, I was going to conquer my fear.  I talked to my friend who had his firearms license and he brought me to the range and taught me how to shoot 13 different guns.  By the end of the day I was no longer afraid.  I conquered fear.  Let me just say this, if I can conquer my fear of guns, I can do whatever I put my mind to, and so can you!

Based on that idea of being challenged, here is what I ask of my parents:

Mom, I need you to tell me specifically why you love me. I don't want to feel skeptical when I say that I miss you and you say that you miss me too. I need you to wear your heart on your sleeve for me so that the words of deep, genuine love for which I have longed, I will not only hear but receive with full belief and confidence. I need to hear it repeatedly, and maybe if you repeatedly tell me it will be a bit easier for you each time.

Dad, I would simply ask that you tread carefully around my emotions. Don't point out the negative qualities of my appearance - I am aware of them, and of all the people in the world, you are the one whose approval I seek in regards to my beauty. I want you to be able to see past my physical flaws so that someday I will be able to believe that a man will be able to love me enough that he can also look past my flaws and see me as beautiful enough to make me his wife. Tell me I am beautiful even if it is not true. When I show up with messy hair and no makeup, or dressed like a tomboy in a hat and skate shoes, please treat me like a lady no matter how I look. My outward appearance does not reflect my inner need to be seen as pretty and feminine. This need is constant for me, so I do not want to be teased or called names even if it is just a joke. I have had enough of that from other people when I was a kid and a teenager to last a life time. I need you to be my safe person - my rock.

For both Mom and Dad, I would ask only one more thing of you both and that is that you would forgive yourselves. For not being as attentive as I needed when I was little. For what happened with my abuse. First of all, you were young and stressed. Second of all, what happened to me is all in the past and it is not your fault that any of it happened.

The trick to breaking the cycle is to let go. I have let go of the past. The reason I bring it up at all is because I recognize that it happened and I need to understand it in order to be able to fully let go.  I want to be able to see what areas need to be worked on and to be aware of any weaknesses.  I love you both and I KNOW that you both love me as well. I say these things because I feel it will help if you are aware of how I best receive love so that you do not have to feel like it is some big guessing game. I am not saying any of this to hurt or condemn you whether directly or indirectly.

For everyone else, I know that may have been a bit too personal for you, but it was my choice to share. I am hoping that by being completely transparent it will help you to look at your own lives and start to recognize the patterns of things you don't like. The first step to breaking a cycle is to admit that there is a cycle that needs to be broken.  I believe the key to problem solving on an interpersonal level is to speak the truth in love.

If you have strong feelings to share about someone, I encourage you to write them down and to analyze the situation. Why is it that this person said or did this thing? As much as the reasons are not excuses, they are explanations. As humans, even when we are past the toddler years, we have the innate need to know the answer to the question "why?" So ask yourself the question - why might this person be the way they are? What things might they have experienced that cause them to act as they do? I find that knowing the explanation adds the element of humanity and it helps us to process negative events with some level compassion for the one who did the hurting. Even if we are the ones hurting ourselves, it helps us to deal with ourselves with more compassion because we recognize that we are only human. Hurt breeds hurt, but only if we allow it to do so.

Here is one thing I will encourage you to do. If you choose to confront someone - or yourself - do not do so without first having forgiven that person. If you forgive them first, then the ball is in their court for the next move. They may not hit the ball back to you at all, which would make forgiveness that much more difficult. If the forgiveness has already been worked through then it will not ruin you if the desired result is not achieved. It allows forgiveness to take place regardless of any action taken or not taken by the offender. 

This is especially pertinent in regards to forgiving ourselves. We have to allow room for our own humanity. Making a big change like putting myself out there and facing my social anxiety is not an easy thing. I fail at it a lot. I get still anxious more than I would like, and I find myself thinking way too much about how others see me and then I get insecure. This is where I need to cut myself some slack and also give myself credit for the progress I have made and not focus solely on the times I have slipped up.

That being said, I would like to address my parents again:

Dad, I know how hard it was for you growing up with your Dad. I get that. I would also like to point out that there have been times when you have made me feel like the princess that I want to be in your eyes. When you are supportive of me like that, I want that feeling to never go away. 

Mom, I know how hard it must have been, even if only subconsciously, to not have heard words of love from your mother. You do tell me that you love me and for that, I thank you very much. Sometimes, though, I can hear the pain and restraint in your voice and I can see it in your eyes when you say it. I hate to think that when you say that you love me it reminds you of how you wish your mom had said that to you more. I love you, mom. I don't want you to be afraid of showing your emotions around me. Your tears are not shameful and your emotions are worth hearing about.

As for all of the rest of you, please forgive me for the random bouncing back and forth that I have done in this post. As the name of this blog suggests, I have a restless mind. This just happens to be what has been on it today.

As always, 

Thanks for "listening."