Let’s Talk About Failure

Today is day two of the three weeks of focus.  I must admit, I failed in one part of my set of rules that I placed upon myself.  As I was puttering around the kitchen today getting ready for work I came across the Halloween candy.  It had previously been sitting on the kitchen table, but my cat tried to eat the wrappers in the middle of the night the other day, so it got moved to the “random stuff” drawer.  As it turned out, I needed to get things from the random stuff drawer a few times today.  Each time, I looked down and waded through the mess of candy to find the can opener, or the measuring cup.  Each time I hesitated.  Each time I closed the door… except right before I left for work.  I opened it, looked at the candy, closed it, then opened it again, grabbed two pieces and took them with me to work.  They were yummy, as expected (rockets, in case you are a visual person and want to know all the little details,) but I didn’t feel very good after I had them.  My taste buds did, but my mind did not.  I didn’t like the fact that I had failed and that no matter what I did from this moment forward, nothing would change the choice that I made in the past.  It was over and done with.  

At this point I had two choices.  I could either give up on my fast entirely after one day and one mistake… OR I could choose to forgive myself and move on.  

Thinking about this now makes it seem a lot deeper, doesn’t it?  What if I could see every failure, every bad choice I have made in my life in this light?  What if I could forgive myself for all of my short comings?  What if I could just move on and press forward?  I am pretty sure I would be a much more amazing person than I am now.  Granted, I am doing my best to be very mindful of my thought processes, especially in regards to how I think of myself, and I believe I have come a long way since starting in therapy.  

As I mentioned in a previous post, I am really good at starting things, but not so much at finishing them.  In true spirit of that, I didn’t really elaborate on that thought.  Allow me to do so now.  I procrastinate and I have ADD.  This is a killer combination when no deadlines are involved.  I have started writing eight different books, none of which are yet completed.  I have started painting my living room, but it is not yet competed.  I started a big painting project with multiple small canvases, but I ran out of canvases and have not yet gone back to the store to get more.  I have a list of people to whom I will write letters; it has 82 names on it and I have only written letters to 53 of those people.  I started a three piece painting trio but I lost my inspiration after a friend saw it and literally laughed at it, so I stopped working on it, eventually put the “paintings” in my closet, and recently took two of them out, turned them upside down and am using them as a surface on which to place my microwave.  Talk about failure!  In my mind, these things have always been failures.  The longer I go without having worked on a project, the harder it is for me to get back into it.  I look at it as something that I failed at doing and it is difficult for me to feel like I even deserve to work on it again.  Even picking up this blog again has been emotionally difficult, but here I am… pressing on.

You may be wondering what has sparked this change in my attitude.  In this particular area, it comes from something that I learned in therapy just this week, actually.  We were learning about assertiveness and we were each given a sheet of paper.  At the top it said “Personal Bill of Rights.” I am not going to go and quote everything on it, as I believe this material is under copy right.  However, I will say that saying these right out loud is empowering – much like saying “I can do this!”  The list of rights is fairly comprehensive, but it is certainly not exhaustive.  Reading through this list made me think “wow, I really do have a lot of rights.”  It made me think of different rights that I have that were not on this list.  Here are two of those rights that I came up with: 

I have the right to fail.

I have the right to forgive myself even when others do not forgive me. 

I have the right to start over and try again.

So let me ask you this – what are your rights?  Furthermore, when was the last time you failed and then forgave yourself, allowing yourself to move on?  If you cannot remember, perhaps you just need to think of the last time you failed.  Maybe it was a BIG fail in your mind, like a failed marriage or a failed relationship, or maybe it was a smaller fail, like a failed road test.  Whatever it is, I assure you, you are worth another chance.  Notice how I did not say a second chance.  You may have already used your second chance and you need another one.  Fine.  Take it and run with it!  It’s your choice to try again, so there is no limit on how many chances you are given.  You are the one who gives yourself the chances, after all.  NO one limits that except for you!

Thanks for “listening.”