Just a disclaimer: this may offend some people. I've been told by my aunt once (in a birthday card, I might add) that I sometimes share too much on the internet. Well, I'm a "don't hold back" kind of girl, and I always have been. Those who know me have learned to appreciate that side of me. I hope you can be one of those people. I've gone through a lot in the last two(ish) years and things have been hard for me. I also met the love of my life, and got married to him exactly one month ago, today. I'm currently out of work and looking for a fresh start, but I just don't really know where to find it. I'm playing the waiting game with God, rather than trying to do what I did before my head injury - things according to my own understanding. Hopefully this leads to a turn around at some point soon, because I feel like I'm stuck in bottomless pit kind of slow downward spiral... and I mean that in the least depressing way possible :)
Alright, here it is:
May 5th, 2014, 2:00am
Right now, I feel like I am stuck, and at the same time, I
feel like I am on the verge of something bigger and better than I’ve ever
experienced. All these things, I have
dreamed of them for so long, and then gone back to living my less than ordinary
life. Is that good enough for me? Is that all I’m meant to be is just some
dreamer who is really good at being nice to people? Can’t I be good at something bigger than
that? Can’t I make paintings that turn
people’s heads and draw their eyes?
Can’t I write a book that is relevant and won’t just get lost in
someone’s recycling bin? Can’t I do
something that makes us enough money where we can live that dream of flipping
houses together and even building that house that I designed over a decade
ago? Can’t I?
I know the power of words.
“Should” is a big one for me. I
don’t like to say that I should do one thing or another, because I don’t feel
it is right to put limits on something as limitless as life. I just asked the question “Can’t I?” five
times, but asking that question is so much different than if I were to say, “I
can’t.” I don’t like to say “I can’t”
any more than I like to say “I should.”
“All things are possible through Christ who gives me
strength.” Of course, this needs to be
applied within reason. Things are
possible, yes, but are they aligned with God’s heart? Maybe God doesn’t want me to succeed, at
least not in the way I have my heart set on.
Maybe what He wants is for me to find my worth in Him. Maybe that is why He keeps allowing things in
my life that pull the carpet out from under me just when I am about to get
somewhere good – on my own merit. I like
to think that God and I have a good relationship and that my heart is in the
right place. I don’t think I want to be
“successful” so that I can have people be in awe of me. Goodness, I just want to feel like I can be
good at something, rather than just okay at various things. I am an okay singer, I am an okay cook, I am
an okay writer, I am an okay painter, I am an okay wife. I want to be better, but I have no idea
how. I sit down with a blank canvas in
front of me, I dip my brush in the paint, brush it across the canvas and I come
up with the same old crap that I made last time ... or worse... and I wonder
why nobody pays attention to my art. It
needs to be worth noticing. The painting
on my dining room wall is worth noticing.
It is vibrant and colourful. I
want SO badly to say that it is my creation, but it was a collaborative effort
between myself and my bridesmaids. How
awful is it that it makes me bitter that they were in on it? I had this idea in my head of what I wanted
it to look like, and because they were all there, they threw paint at the
canvas and suddenly it was not mine at all.
It was ours. That made me feel
frustrated. Everyone who sees the
painting will ask if I did it, and I will have to say no, and that it was done
by me and a bunch of others. Like I
said, this makes me bitter. I love the
painting. It’s just that it sits there
as a reminder to me that I apparently can’t do anything worth noticing on my
own. There’s that word. Can’t.
For those of you bridesmaids and friends of mine who helped
create the beautiful art that currently adorns my dining room wall, I mean
nothing personal by this. It could have
been Vincent Van Gogh back from the dead helping me make that thing and I still
would have felt the same way. Here’s
hoping it just inspires me to something bigger and better all on my own.
Sorry for unleashing the "drama" that is my heart right now.
Sorry for apologizing for my feelings - I'm Canadian. It's what we do.
Thanks for "listening."
