I
haven't posted on here in quite a while, and that is because I have
been going a bit crazy with life. A lot has changed for me since I
posted in October:
- My job ended
- I got pregnant
- I got really sick while being pregnant
- I applied for school, got accepted, and was told by multiple people who don't know me very well, that I probably can't handle school, so I should drop out before I even start.
- I have had issues with my pregnancy that have led to me having lots of extra appointments on my schedule every week.
- My job ended
- I got pregnant
- I got really sick while being pregnant
- I applied for school, got accepted, and was told by multiple people who don't know me very well, that I probably can't handle school, so I should drop out before I even start.
- I have had issues with my pregnancy that have led to me having lots of extra appointments on my schedule every week.
- I
have started school (and done very well so far, I might add.)
- I have lost a beloved family member.- I have gotten in a car accident and spent time in the hospital trying to see if my baby is okay – baby is good, but Momma is stressed and very sore.
- I have lost a beloved family member.- I have gotten in a car accident and spent time in the hospital trying to see if my baby is okay – baby is good, but Momma is stressed and very sore.
- I have had to figure out how my husband and I are
going to make this whole parenting thing work. (We now need to
replace TWO vehicles, we have contemplated going from renting our two
bedroom apartment to buying a townhouse, we still have to buy
basically everything the baby is going to need other than the few
diapers and outfits we have gotten so far.)
It has been a lot to deal with. I try to distract myself daily with all of the little things, but every once in a while, like now, it all culminates into a big old mountain of impossibility. These are usually the times that I revert to writing.
A few days ago I told my husband that an emotional breakdown was on its way for me. I said that it could happen tonight, or next week, but it is coming. I was right. It happened today. Yesterday we looked at houses AND cars, and made zero headway on either. I have been physically sick and sore (not able to keep food down, incredibly tired, massive headaches with an inability to concentrate enough to study, and very sore and uncomfortable with the combination of being pregnant and just having been in a car accident.) I have been less able to concentrate on my schoolwork this week due to stress and physical pain. I still run It Takes A Village, and part of my weekend has been spent shopping for hampers (physically painful and draining) and putting errands, rest, and studying on hold to make sure we are home when families come to pick up hampers. I love doing this, but I find it hard to find the same amount of joy in it when I am overwhelmed with all the other things I feel like I should be doing.
The breakdown came this evening after I had woke up from a nap. I went to the table to start to study, and my husband sat down with the lap top and started to look for a vehicle. He was obviously stressed and was not able to find anything, so he got up and went into the other room to clear his head from being frustrated. Feeling like we would never find a suitable car, I decided to stop studying and look for a car myself. I ended up just as frustrated as he was, and I was on the verge of tears. This is when I told my husband that I didn't want to move. It just isn't the right time for us. No matter how much someone else might think that we can't make it work in our “tiny” apartment (it's not tiny - it's a 2 bed, 2 bath) it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of how we operate our lives. We are not harming anyone, and we are living within our means. I don't see how that is anything to sneeze at, especially given the circumstances we have had to endure with my health issues, and our subsequent single income.
I realize that this is not a happy post, but that is just it. I'm not happy. I am overwhelmed, overloaded and feel like I am being pressured to be more and do more than is possible. I have had anxiety as long as I can remember, and no matter how much I KNOW that what someone else thinks of me is of zero consequence, I still can't help but feel judged. Believe it or not, as I write this, I am feeling happier and freer than I was feeling earlier today. Earlier, I felt pressured to live up to someone else's standards for my life. I sat down with my husband and told him how I felt, and we decided together that we are going to do things at our own pace and in a way that works best for US. After all, all these people who have opinions on how we should live our lives, they don't have to walk in our shoes every day. I have said this in the past, and it remains true today: I would rather live within my means (and be “poor” in the eyes of some people) and be happy, than have all of the material things this world has to offer (rich in the eyes of the world) and be stressed out and miserable all the time.
I don't really know how to end this, but there you have it, folks. We are going to live according to what we think is best for us, and anyone who has an issue with that... they can just go on and talk about us behind our backs. We don't care.
Thanks for “listening.”
It has been a lot to deal with. I try to distract myself daily with all of the little things, but every once in a while, like now, it all culminates into a big old mountain of impossibility. These are usually the times that I revert to writing.
A few days ago I told my husband that an emotional breakdown was on its way for me. I said that it could happen tonight, or next week, but it is coming. I was right. It happened today. Yesterday we looked at houses AND cars, and made zero headway on either. I have been physically sick and sore (not able to keep food down, incredibly tired, massive headaches with an inability to concentrate enough to study, and very sore and uncomfortable with the combination of being pregnant and just having been in a car accident.) I have been less able to concentrate on my schoolwork this week due to stress and physical pain. I still run It Takes A Village, and part of my weekend has been spent shopping for hampers (physically painful and draining) and putting errands, rest, and studying on hold to make sure we are home when families come to pick up hampers. I love doing this, but I find it hard to find the same amount of joy in it when I am overwhelmed with all the other things I feel like I should be doing.
The breakdown came this evening after I had woke up from a nap. I went to the table to start to study, and my husband sat down with the lap top and started to look for a vehicle. He was obviously stressed and was not able to find anything, so he got up and went into the other room to clear his head from being frustrated. Feeling like we would never find a suitable car, I decided to stop studying and look for a car myself. I ended up just as frustrated as he was, and I was on the verge of tears. This is when I told my husband that I didn't want to move. It just isn't the right time for us. No matter how much someone else might think that we can't make it work in our “tiny” apartment (it's not tiny - it's a 2 bed, 2 bath) it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of how we operate our lives. We are not harming anyone, and we are living within our means. I don't see how that is anything to sneeze at, especially given the circumstances we have had to endure with my health issues, and our subsequent single income.
I realize that this is not a happy post, but that is just it. I'm not happy. I am overwhelmed, overloaded and feel like I am being pressured to be more and do more than is possible. I have had anxiety as long as I can remember, and no matter how much I KNOW that what someone else thinks of me is of zero consequence, I still can't help but feel judged. Believe it or not, as I write this, I am feeling happier and freer than I was feeling earlier today. Earlier, I felt pressured to live up to someone else's standards for my life. I sat down with my husband and told him how I felt, and we decided together that we are going to do things at our own pace and in a way that works best for US. After all, all these people who have opinions on how we should live our lives, they don't have to walk in our shoes every day. I have said this in the past, and it remains true today: I would rather live within my means (and be “poor” in the eyes of some people) and be happy, than have all of the material things this world has to offer (rich in the eyes of the world) and be stressed out and miserable all the time.
I don't really know how to end this, but there you have it, folks. We are going to live according to what we think is best for us, and anyone who has an issue with that... they can just go on and talk about us behind our backs. We don't care.
Thanks for “listening.”
For
your listening pleasure: Breakdown by Jack Johnson
