I have been thinking a lot about this cognitive behavioural therapy stuff lately. I feel like it is as much about wording as it is about repetition and purposeful practice. For example, in my previous post I mentioned the phrases “I can do this” and “I can’t do this.” They both hold SO much power, and they are entirely opposite ideas. Our self talk (and the talk directed to us by others) is a huge determining factor in how we feel about the world and about ourselves.
Another word I have been mulling over is the word “should.” It is a loaded word, full of expectation and pressure. There is a pressure to be “normal” (whatever that means) in our world and society puts much pressure on us to adhere to that sense of normalcy. Normalcy is different in every situation, but for some odd reason, it is still subconsciously expected of us. We even expect it of others. If we go to the supermarket and all of a sudden some kid screams out and throws a temper tantrum it draws our attention as a sound and a sight that is out of the norm. It is not enjoyable to hear a kid screaming, so sometimes we look at the mother and we think “She should do something to get her kid to be quiet.” Then the question must be asked: if you have kids, how would you feel if one of your kids threw a tantrum and everyone around you was giving you heck for it? Surely you would not feel very good about yourself as a parent. You might think “My kid should listen to me” or “I should be able to control my kid in public better.” But really, kids are kids. They do not care about “should” yet.
So maybe, just maybe, we could try to be a little bit more like kids. I am not saying to go throw a temper tantrum in the super market. I AM saying maybe we could look at things differently. We could avoid always thinking about what society will think of us when we do this or when we do that. At the end of the day, most of the things that the world says we “should” do are of very little consequence.
There are, of course, things that we really should do. These things would be things for which we are responsible. You should be on time for work. You should fill up your gas tank when the low fuel light comes on. You should bring your daughter to the doctor when she breaks her arm. You should feed your pets. These are all things that we have put on ourselves – responsibilities which we have chosen to have. We choose to have a job, we choose to have a vehicle, we choose to be parents, and we choose to be pet owners. None of these things are things which society has thrust upon us, but morality is the force which tells us we should take responsibility and do right by the things and people in our care.
There are things that we really should do, and there are things that are trivial and inconsequential that the world tells us we should do. It may not seem like a big deal to do these things that we “should” do because these same things are quietly expected of everyone else as well. Here is a list of things that I have often felt that I should do. Let me know if you identify with any of these things. Again, I will refrain from using point form as it takes up too much space and I just don’t enjoy how it looks. I'll make it multi-coloured to make it seem a bit less ominous. Here it is...
I should shower every day. I should dress like an adult. I should dress in a feminine manner. I should wear makeup. My shoes should match my outfit. I should have more than just one purse. I should not have cat hair on my clothes in public. I should dress appropriately at church so as to not distract anyone. I should bring my Bible to church. I should go to church every Sunday. I should not work on Sunday. I should not do chores on Sunday. I should only eat healthy food. I should finish writing all the letters I have to write. I should tidy my room. I should clean the bathroom once a week or more. I should wash the dishes every day. I should clean the kitty litter often enough that my home never smells of cats even the slightest bit. I should vacuum the carpet at least once a week to avoid the build up of cat hair. I should not have any garbage in my car. I should wash my car more than twice a year. I should not dye my hair. I should not bite my nails. I should fold my laundry and put it away. I should do the laundry. I should dress appropriately at work so as not to distract anyone. I should maintain my composure at work even when under lots of pressure. I should be prepared for everything that could possibly happen at work even though I am new in the field. I should be able to pay all of my bills on time and in full. I should have food in the fridge and in the cupboards. I should write a blog post every day. I should finish writing my book already and get it published. I should finish the painting project I started. I should do my homework for group therapy. I should read my Bible every day. I should brush the cats’ fur. I should clip the cats’ nails. I should make cupcakes more often. I should cook dinner for my roommate. I should call the hospital and get things set up for my mom. I should book my road test. I should take out the garbage. I should sweep the floor in the kitchen. I should organize all my important papers. I should call my Dad. I should call my brother. I should go visit my Opa. I should pay off my student loans. I should go back to school and get a “real career” happening. I should learn how to read music for singing and playing bass guitar. I should get a bass guitar again. I should go to the gym. I should lose five pounds. I should make an appointment to see my doctor. I should brush my teeth. I should eat first thing when I wake up in the morning. I should eat part way through the day. I should eat in the evening. I should remember the birthdays of everyone who remembers mine. I should go visit a certain friend I have not seen recently. I should be able to handle life living on my own. I should be able to attract a man who will want to marry me before I am old and gray. I should be a mother before I turn 35. I should not flirt with any guys, but rather, let them come to me. I should not check facebook so much. I should not eat animal products or wheat. I should recycle as much as possible. I should devote more time to writing. I should pray more. I should be patient with God in His timing when it comes to who, when and if I will marry. The list goes on.
That list takes up 4/5 of a page in a word document. When I really sit down and look at it, that all seems a bit much. I do most of the things on this list, but I slip up, for sure. I procrastinate. I just plain old fail. So do I really have to do and be all of these things? In all honesty, there is a lot of pressure out there for me to adhere to all of these should statements, whether they are from my own mind or the minds of others. My point is this: that list IS too long. I am not super woman. I need to be able to pick my battles, so to speak. I mean, can I really expect myself to always wear makeup, always dress like an adult and always look beautiful? I can expect it, but I sure fail at it a lot.
Furthermore, how am I supposed to always dress in a feminine manner and yet dress appropriately for church so as not to distract anyone? I like to think I have a decent body, and so if I dress in a feminine manner, it shows off my curves, even if my neckline comes up to my chin. I can’t help that I have a nice body, but if I dress it down at church, and wear what I am wearing right now (work out pants, hoodie and a hat) I would not be deemed respectful… nor would I fit in with how my peers are dressing. My church does a have a “come as you are” policy, but really… people always dress nicely for church, at least the majority of the “grownups” do. How am I supposed to be taken seriously when I dress like the high school kids dress? How am I supposed to attract a husband if I cannot be taken seriously?
The answer to this question is that I need to just be myself. When it comes down to it, I do not want a husband who loves me for how I dress, or for the fact that I clean my home and my car like clockwork. I want someone who will love me for who I AM. And who am I, you may ask? I am good enough. That is who I am! So if I have a bad hair day and choose to wear a hat, or if I cuddle with my cats before I left and I still have some kitty fur on me, I am still the same person underneath the clothes. I am still good enough. I am still to be taken seriously.
To go in the opposite direction, if I laugh out loud in public and people look at me, or if I scream like a little girl when I ride the roller coaster at play land or if I get down in the sand with my little cousins at the beach, it does not make me immature. It means that I know how to let loose and have fun. It means that I am okay in my own skin. If I choose not to wash the dishes today, or clean the bathroom or vacuum the carpets, but rather, take the night off to have a bubble bath and sit on the couch and watch movies, it does not make me lazy nor does it make me a slob. It means that I know how to take the should statements into “it would be a good idea to……” and then throw a “but” on the end and deal with it later. I am not trying to promote procrastination here, not by any means. What I am trying to say is that it is okay to be your own person, walk to the beat of your own drum, wear what you want, talk to who you want, eat what you want, laugh how you want, play how you want, love how you want and just simply be who you want to be. It is okay to put yourself before the expectations of the world. When you go to bed at night, there will be no judge and jury waiting for you to tally up your offenses of the day. There will be no to do list to check off that grants you access to the next day of life. If you don’t shower today, the sun will still rise tomorrow. Life will go on. You may smell a little bit, but you can just shower tomorrow…. Or hand out clothes pegs to everyone with whom you come in contact. You oldies like me will get that reference,
Wherever you are today, whatever you are doing, have a great day today. Do something for YOU, no matter what anyone else thinks you should do. It is your life, so you get to choose.
Thanks for “listening”
There are, of course, things that we really should do. These things would be things for which we are responsible. You should be on time for work. You should fill up your gas tank when the low fuel light comes on. You should bring your daughter to the doctor when she breaks her arm. You should feed your pets. These are all things that we have put on ourselves – responsibilities which we have chosen to have. We choose to have a job, we choose to have a vehicle, we choose to be parents, and we choose to be pet owners. None of these things are things which society has thrust upon us, but morality is the force which tells us we should take responsibility and do right by the things and people in our care.
There are things that we really should do, and there are things that are trivial and inconsequential that the world tells us we should do. It may not seem like a big deal to do these things that we “should” do because these same things are quietly expected of everyone else as well. Here is a list of things that I have often felt that I should do. Let me know if you identify with any of these things. Again, I will refrain from using point form as it takes up too much space and I just don’t enjoy how it looks. I'll make it multi-coloured to make it seem a bit less ominous. Here it is...
I should shower every day. I should dress like an adult. I should dress in a feminine manner. I should wear makeup. My shoes should match my outfit. I should have more than just one purse. I should not have cat hair on my clothes in public. I should dress appropriately at church so as to not distract anyone. I should bring my Bible to church. I should go to church every Sunday. I should not work on Sunday. I should not do chores on Sunday. I should only eat healthy food. I should finish writing all the letters I have to write. I should tidy my room. I should clean the bathroom once a week or more. I should wash the dishes every day. I should clean the kitty litter often enough that my home never smells of cats even the slightest bit. I should vacuum the carpet at least once a week to avoid the build up of cat hair. I should not have any garbage in my car. I should wash my car more than twice a year. I should not dye my hair. I should not bite my nails. I should fold my laundry and put it away. I should do the laundry. I should dress appropriately at work so as not to distract anyone. I should maintain my composure at work even when under lots of pressure. I should be prepared for everything that could possibly happen at work even though I am new in the field. I should be able to pay all of my bills on time and in full. I should have food in the fridge and in the cupboards. I should write a blog post every day. I should finish writing my book already and get it published. I should finish the painting project I started. I should do my homework for group therapy. I should read my Bible every day. I should brush the cats’ fur. I should clip the cats’ nails. I should make cupcakes more often. I should cook dinner for my roommate. I should call the hospital and get things set up for my mom. I should book my road test. I should take out the garbage. I should sweep the floor in the kitchen. I should organize all my important papers. I should call my Dad. I should call my brother. I should go visit my Opa. I should pay off my student loans. I should go back to school and get a “real career” happening. I should learn how to read music for singing and playing bass guitar. I should get a bass guitar again. I should go to the gym. I should lose five pounds. I should make an appointment to see my doctor. I should brush my teeth. I should eat first thing when I wake up in the morning. I should eat part way through the day. I should eat in the evening. I should remember the birthdays of everyone who remembers mine. I should go visit a certain friend I have not seen recently. I should be able to handle life living on my own. I should be able to attract a man who will want to marry me before I am old and gray. I should be a mother before I turn 35. I should not flirt with any guys, but rather, let them come to me. I should not check facebook so much. I should not eat animal products or wheat. I should recycle as much as possible. I should devote more time to writing. I should pray more. I should be patient with God in His timing when it comes to who, when and if I will marry. The list goes on.
That list takes up 4/5 of a page in a word document. When I really sit down and look at it, that all seems a bit much. I do most of the things on this list, but I slip up, for sure. I procrastinate. I just plain old fail. So do I really have to do and be all of these things? In all honesty, there is a lot of pressure out there for me to adhere to all of these should statements, whether they are from my own mind or the minds of others. My point is this: that list IS too long. I am not super woman. I need to be able to pick my battles, so to speak. I mean, can I really expect myself to always wear makeup, always dress like an adult and always look beautiful? I can expect it, but I sure fail at it a lot.
Furthermore, how am I supposed to always dress in a feminine manner and yet dress appropriately for church so as not to distract anyone? I like to think I have a decent body, and so if I dress in a feminine manner, it shows off my curves, even if my neckline comes up to my chin. I can’t help that I have a nice body, but if I dress it down at church, and wear what I am wearing right now (work out pants, hoodie and a hat) I would not be deemed respectful… nor would I fit in with how my peers are dressing. My church does a have a “come as you are” policy, but really… people always dress nicely for church, at least the majority of the “grownups” do. How am I supposed to be taken seriously when I dress like the high school kids dress? How am I supposed to attract a husband if I cannot be taken seriously?
The answer to this question is that I need to just be myself. When it comes down to it, I do not want a husband who loves me for how I dress, or for the fact that I clean my home and my car like clockwork. I want someone who will love me for who I AM. And who am I, you may ask? I am good enough. That is who I am! So if I have a bad hair day and choose to wear a hat, or if I cuddle with my cats before I left and I still have some kitty fur on me, I am still the same person underneath the clothes. I am still good enough. I am still to be taken seriously.
To go in the opposite direction, if I laugh out loud in public and people look at me, or if I scream like a little girl when I ride the roller coaster at play land or if I get down in the sand with my little cousins at the beach, it does not make me immature. It means that I know how to let loose and have fun. It means that I am okay in my own skin. If I choose not to wash the dishes today, or clean the bathroom or vacuum the carpets, but rather, take the night off to have a bubble bath and sit on the couch and watch movies, it does not make me lazy nor does it make me a slob. It means that I know how to take the should statements into “it would be a good idea to……” and then throw a “but” on the end and deal with it later. I am not trying to promote procrastination here, not by any means. What I am trying to say is that it is okay to be your own person, walk to the beat of your own drum, wear what you want, talk to who you want, eat what you want, laugh how you want, play how you want, love how you want and just simply be who you want to be. It is okay to put yourself before the expectations of the world. When you go to bed at night, there will be no judge and jury waiting for you to tally up your offenses of the day. There will be no to do list to check off that grants you access to the next day of life. If you don’t shower today, the sun will still rise tomorrow. Life will go on. You may smell a little bit, but you can just shower tomorrow…. Or hand out clothes pegs to everyone with whom you come in contact. You oldies like me will get that reference,
Wherever you are today, whatever you are doing, have a great day today. Do something for YOU, no matter what anyone else thinks you should do. It is your life, so you get to choose.
Thanks for “listening”
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