Bored Expression

For any of you who have missed having something “interesting” to read, I apologize for my lack of word flow lately.  I have been doing a lot of self reflecting lately, and when I do this I typically do not do a whole lot of writing.  One thing I have noticed about myself is that I have a sort of bulimic personality.  I know that sounds horrible and hilarious all at once, (at least it does to me) but what I mean is that I go through phases (like a bulimic person… eating, not eating etc.)  Those phases become very important to me, and then all of a sudden I lose interest and I stop whatever I have been doing and don’t pick it up again for a while.  Writing is one of those things, as you can now tell.  There are others for me as well, such as eating candy or getting ice caps from Tim hortons, sleeping, exercising, painting, or baking cupcakes.  There are not many interests in my life that do not come in phases for me.  

This is not to say that I do not like those things while I am not engaging in them, I just don’t feel as passionate about them,  I don’t feel motivated to do them or I don’t feel the need for them in my life.  Some of these things can be seen as addictions in the sense that I have an addictive personality.  I find something interesting and then I get right into it and don’t really look back. . . until I lose interest.  Most people with addictive personalities would quickly find something else to fill the void, but I am not like that.  I go through long drought like periods of boredom.  Fatigue seems to take over my entire being, and I feel like I have returned to a state of adolescent apathy. 

One thing that worries me is that when I get really into something, I am hesitant to identify myself as being proficient at that thing.  For instance, I have done a LOT of writing in my life, and I have even written a book.  Even still, I don’t like to call myself a writer because it puts pressure on me to always be into writing.  I clearly am not always into it, as I go through ups and downs with the amount of content flowing through my brain.  I love to dance, but I don’t want to identify myself with being a dancer, because then people will expect me to come with them to clubs and bars etc to go dancing.  It isn’t like that for me.  I have to be in the mood.  I also love to paint, but I only paint what comes to me.  I don’t want to call myself a painter, because then people will expect that I can look at an object and then portray it visually through painting.  I love singing, and I sing ALL the time in my car.  I have written some of my own songs, and I have done karaoke a few times in my day.  I only like to sing when I will not be judged, when I am confident that I will not screw up, or when I am sure that nobody can hear me.  I may have a great voice, but I find it difficult to sing on command.  Singing is an expressive media for me.  It is not a performance piece.  All of the things that I have mentioned, I use them to express myself, not to show off any sort of talent or ability.  If I feel it, I do it, and if I don’t then I don’t want people to expect me to perform just because they know I can do it.  

I don’t know what all of that means about me as a person.  Does it make me broken?  I don’t know.  Does it make me boring?  I don’t care.  We as human beings are complex creatures in an ever changing world.  How any one of us is expected to keep up with the times, or stay fashioned to a specific mould, I do not know.  I would much rather be naturally me and express myself in various forms that are not at all harmful to anyone around me.

Back to the topic of being bored, I find myself to be very back and forth, as I mentioned.  I feel like our world has gotten so busy that it is next to impossible for any of us to slow down and relax to the point where the relaxation takes long term effect on our souls.  The reasons: technology, the pursuit of wealth and status, the need to do everything instantaneously, and avoid anything that may be a nuisance.  

Birth control comes in various forms, some of which make it so that a woman’s period doesn’t come for 3 months, when it should normally come every month.  This is a perfect example of how technology helps us to avoid annoying parts of life.  We want to be able to do everything faster and with less effort.  What ever happened to good work ethic?  This generation walking around with nearly everything that they want at the touch of a button is going to be hard pressed to survive when some huge disaster hits and all technology and services are rendered useless.  We are SUPPOSED to have issues and challenges in our lives!  When we overcome challenges we look back and realize how far we have climbed, and how strong we are.  When harder challenges come our way, we look ahead and see the mountain we face, so we turn around and consider going back to easier times.  That’s when we see all the mountains we have already climbed.  We remember how big those mountains seemed when we were still at the bottom, just like now with this new life challenge.  If we are wise we will also remember how little those mountains seemed once we were standing on top of them.  Without the little struggles in life, we will never build up the muscles to get over the big obstacles.  

Some people say that if we have the mind to create it, then we are obviously supposed to use it – we have the right to use it.  I have to disagree.  My reasoning comes from how we were originally made.  The best example is the gestational period of a human baby.  It takes over nine months for that baby to grow and form all of its intricate parts before it comes into this world.  If a baby is born prematurely, there will undoubtedly be developmental issues.  Similarly, if we always get whatever we want whenever we want it without having to work for it, and be patient for it, then when we have this great thing put into our lap, we are going to be like weak little premature infants who are completely incapable of surviving on their own.  If we always get whatever we want whenever we want it, it is likely that the timing will be off, we will be too immature and irresponsible and when those big mountains come, we will have no idea how to get over them.

Thanks for "listening."